Is This Even Abuse?
Have you ever asked that question?
I did.
I didn’t think it was abuse unless I was being hit.
For years, I told myself it wasn’t “that bad.” I believed him when he said it was my fault. That I was too sensitive. That I was imagining things.
But what I was really living in was a slow, insidious erosion of my identity. Of my safety. Of my soul.
It wasn’t just emotional abuse.
It wasn’t just yelling or control.
There was sexual assault —
and even after that it took me almost eight months to actually report it.
Eight months of silence. Of fear. Of trying to convince myself it wasn’t as serious as it felt.
Because I had been conditioned to question everything — especially my own pain.
It wasn’t until after he was finally arrested and gone from the house that I could begin to see the truth:
How bad it really was.
How deep the damage ran.
How much of me had been lost in the process.
I hadn’t “just” been yelled at. I hadn’t “just” been gaslit.
I had been abused, in nearly every way — and I hadn’t even known.
Abuse isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t always leave bruises.
Sometimes, it comes wrapped in love.
In apologies.
In promises that “it will never happen again.”
But abuse is abuse — no matter what form it takes. And I know that it is not black and white. That you cannot just leave. That it is not just that simple.
Let’s talk about the many types of domestic abuse that often go unseen, unspoken, and unacknowledged — but are just as real.
💥 1. Physical Abuse
What most people recognize first — but not the only kind.
- Hitting, slapping, punching, kicking
- Pushing, grabbing, biting, choking
- Restraining or trapping you in a room
- Destroying property or threatening with weapons
- Thowing cups of coffee at the wall behind your head
- Denying medical attention, sleep, or food
- Hurting pets to scare or punish you
But did you know that even just threatening violence is abuse?
In Canada, uttering threats is a criminal offence.
Whether it’s a threat to cause bodily harm or to take someone’s life —
It’s not “just words.”
It’s a crime. And it can carry real jail time.
You don’t have to wait until the threat becomes action.
If someone is making you afraid for your safety — you’re already living in an unsafe situation..
From living through this I know it does not get better in time it only ever gets worse.
🧠 2. Emotional / Psychological Abuse
This one’s quieter — but just as damaging. In fact from my own experience I would say in many ways it is far worse than physical or sexual abuse.
This type chips away at your sense of self. You may find yourself apologising and saying sorry even when it is obviously not your fault or even anything to do with you.
This kind of abuse doesn’t leave marks — but it can leave you shattered inside.
It’s the slow, invisible kind that chips away at your sense of self until you don’t know who you are anymore.
It’s manipulation. Control. Fear. Confusion.
It looks like:
- Gaslighting — making you doubt your memory, your sanity, your reality
- Name-calling, humiliation, belittling
- Blaming you for everything that goes wrong
- Threats to harm you, themselves, the children, or others
- Withholding affection as punishment
- Creating constant fear of doing or saying the “wrong” thing
- Isolation — cutting you off from support slowly and deliberately
- Silent treatment, stonewalling, ignoring you completely
- Weaponizing silence — punishing you by pretending you don’t exist
- Withdrawing emotionally — making you beg just to be seen or heard
When you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, desperate to “earn back” love, if you just convince yourself “I need to try harder” or “be better” or you make excuses for them “they had a hard day” or :their job is so stressful”
when the person who’s supposed to love you becomes the source of your greatest fear —that’s abuse. And the emotional control exerted over you is deeply traumatic long after the words fall silent.
🗣️ 3. Verbal Abuse
This type of abuse destroys your self worth and self esteem. Whoever invented the rhyme sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me – obviously was never in a relationship with verbal abuse.
- Yelling, screaming, or constant criticism
- Insults and shaming
- Threats and intimidation
- Sarcastic “jokes” that cut deep
- Dismissive or mocking language
Verbal abuse is not just “fighting” — it’s a tool of control. This one can be very hard to overcome and is easily triggered in those that have suffered from it. When I was younger I loved going to concerts now the noise from people is overwhelming. If a stranger starts shouting in the street it is enough to make me show physical signs of being triggered – that fight or flight response can kick in in the blink of any eye. Shaking hands, pain in my chest, rapid breathing, anxiety levels that rocket out of nowhere. It becomes hard to think and negative thoughts from nowhere become overwhelming. But verbal abuse can also push you to the point where you suffer from reactive abuse which can in the eyes of outsiders make you appear like the abuser. (see below)
💸 4. Financial Abuse
This is one of the hardest things to escape even after you have left. In Canada there is no time limit to how long it can take to get divorced. Scary thought isn’t it that 10 years from now you could still be battling for monies that belong to you that you cannot get access to.
If they control your money – They control your freedom.
- Taking your income or denying access to funds
- Preventing you from working
- Tracking your spending or demanding receipts
- Using your name to rack up debt
- Refusing to contribute financially but expecting full control
Money becomes a leash — a trap to keep you dependent. I had the misfortune that my ex to be tore about our family home when ‘renovating’ it. The reality was he had severely damaged some of the structure of the house, reduced the value of our property. And then pitched the idea that we had to stay together until the house is finished otherwise we will both suffer financially and ultimately it will be the kids that pay the price. They may be frivolous with their spending yet ensure you have not lost so much as a penny. You may discover they cancel your credit cards, refuse to pay any debt that is in joint names or even have large sums of cash that they have hidden away. The may sell assets and even though legally they have to give you half – they don’t. You may even find like I did they the child benefit monies from the CRA is in his name and he refuses to hand it over. I was a landed immigrant but because of issues with my PR (Permanent Resident) card I did not have a Social Insurance Number so it took me several months to be able to finally be able to apply to get the money in my name and then it was a year before I got the backpay of monies I was entitled to.
They play games because many do not even care in reality about their children it is about the loss of control they have over you that is fueling this financial attack. I won at a family court hearing that he had to pay interim child support based on the table amount. The phrase “table amount of child support” refers to the standard amount of child support that is calculated based on the Federal Child Support Guidelines in Canada. These guidelines include tables that outline how much support a paying parent should provide. So he started paying this amount immediately but then ceased to make any payments towards the mortgage or house insurance which he still has to pay. The the amount of money he started to pay child support paid was actually less than the money he stopped paying. Justice and Finances can be a minefield when you are unaware of what can be coming.
📱 5. Digital and Tech Abuse
This is a difficult one that can be really hard to prove but Digital abuse isolates and invades your only place of privacy. Everything can be used against you giving you nowhere to go
Tracks Your Location
- Using GPS trackers hidden in your car, purse, or child’s toys
- Accessing Find My iPhone/Android features secretly
- Installing tracking apps without your consent
- Using shared family plans to locate you at all times
Monitors Your Communications
- Reading your texts, emails, and DMs
- Demanding access to your passwords or forcing you to share accounts
- Cloning your phone to receive a copy of all messages
- Using spyware to see everything you type or click
Controls Your Online Activity
- Logging into your social media or email to impersonate you
- Changing your passwords so you lose access
- Using your accounts to spread lies or isolate you from others
- Deleting or editing your posts and messages
Uses Cameras and Smart Devices to Spy
- Watching you through hidden webcams or home security systems
- Accessing Ring doorbells, baby monitors, or smart home devices
- Turning on microphones or cameras remotely on phones/laptops
Harasses or Threatens You Digitally
- Sending constant messages or calls (even after you block them)
- Posting revenge porn or threatening to share private photos
- Doxxing — sharing your personal info online
- Making fake accounts to stalk or attack you
Controls You Financially Through Tech
- Locking you out of online banking
- Monitoring your spending
- Controlling your ability to apply for government assistance
- Applying for credit in your name without consent
All these things Undermine Your mental Health
- Makes you feel paranoid — unsure if you’re being watched
- Trains you to doubt your instincts (gaslighting via tech)
- Makes you fear using your own phone or computer
- Keeps you dependent and isolated
Now I have experienced much of this. Trackers in my car and location trackers in my phones. People blocked on my Facebook account without my permission. I found hardwired and wifi cameras in the house including the bathroom. There was a camera and microphone fully integrated system in the office so even there I could not even make a phonecall without him knowing every word. Now I have do have cameras at the house outside on a cloud based system that my sister can also access for my personal security which are valuable tools when used correctly – There are no cameras in the house. To believe that you are being listened to and watched 24 hours a day that there is nowhere you can go, nothing you can buy, no one you can talk too without someone knowing every word and keyboard stroke that is made I believe is one of the new abuses that the Government need to recognize and take a stand against with criminal charges being laid as the mental abuse from this is in many ways more damaging I believe than actual physical abuse.
💔 6. Sexual Abuse
Consent should never be forced — even in marriage. In fact You tube has a marvellous video called “the cup of tea as consent” you can choose to drink a cup of tea one day and not want it next. You can even boil the kettle to have a cup of tea – put the tea bag in the cup and sugar and milk and then decide you don’t want one.
- Forcing sex or sexual acts
- Coercion through guilt, fear, or manipulation
- Refusing protection or sabotaging birth control
- Sexual insults or degradation
- Ignoring your “no”
- Taking advantage of a partner who cannot give consent due to alcohol or prescription or recreational drugs.
Sex should never feel like a weapon.
Sex should ALWAYS be consensual
NO is a complete sentence that needs no justification.
Now i was assaulted sexually by my ex to be and I wont be blogging about it yet because the case is working its way through the court system. So when I say I have been here and lived abuse it is because I have.
🌎 7. Social Isolation
Cutting off your lifelines.
- Controlling who you talk to
- Badmouthing your friends and family
- Creating drama to drive others away
- Making you feel ashamed to ask for help
- Keeping you too tired, scared, or overwhelmed to leave the house
Abuse thrives in silence and isolation. This usually happens slowly over a long period of time so you do not even know it is happening. And when you do leave some of the people who were friends with you both will betray you to him repeating to him conversations you may have had. These people are not and were never your friend – you were theirs. Even if they say well we cannot choose between you because he says this and you say that – walk away because by them choosing to keep in touch with him they are showing you that you will never be able to trust them again. My ex has multiple criminal charges and someone who i thought was my friend who said how much she did not like my ex or trust him ended up putting up $1000 surety for his bail. Like I said if they keep in touch with your abuser they are not your friend. And as this is such a dangerous challenging and difficult time it is better to cull away anyone who will not be fully a positive help to you.
🙏 8. Spiritual or Cultural Abuse
Twisting your values against you.
- Forcing or forbidding religious practices
- Using scripture or beliefs to justify abuse
- Mocking your faith or traditions
- Threatening exclusion from community
- Using guilt, shame, or spiritual punishment as control
Your beliefs should never be used to break you. NEVER
⚠️ 9.Reactive Abuse?
Reactive abuse happens when the victim, after enduring prolonged emotional, verbal, psychological, or even physical abuse, finally reacts — often with yelling, crying, swearing, pushing, or lashing out. This is usually done so that people only witness your reaction and not what pushed you to this. They have a witness so they can. Claim you are the problem and make others doubt your story. She she is the abuser not me. They can use your reaction to justify their own abusive and manipulate and shame you more – deeping the cycle. An example of this was when I had gone through an extended period of time as my father was dying – hundreds of text messages, verbal abuse and gaslighting and then I broke. I screamed and called him bad names and vented all of what I felt – And then out came the playback recording of him who had recorded me and said “See – You are the abuser. You are mentally unstable. You are the Problem.
They may use this moment to:
- Threaten to call police or CAS
- Show selective clips to family (including your children), friends, or court
- Claim you’re unstable or dangerous
- Isolate you even more
But what they’re doing is provoking you into a breaking point — and then blaming you for finally reacting. But it is not. Reactive abuse doesn’t make you abusive. It makes you human. It’s a trauma response. It’s survival from overwhelming pain and trauma.
You Are Not Alone
I have been abused. And I no longer whisper this but shout it out loud becuase too many woman are and never say a word or report people who should be facing jail sentences for their criminal actions. I personally know several women who have not reported the abuse just left and there are advantages to both and whether you report them or not is a deeply personal decision noone can judge whichever course of action you take – even if you stay they do not have the right to judge you.
The person who hurt me was my husband, the father of my 4 children, the man who I thought was my soul mate and other half. The person I had wanted to grow old with. I have lived in fear, in silence, in confusion. I have questioned my own reality and and had others question it, I have had no self worth or self esteem, I carry scars no-one can ever see.
But here’s what I need you to know:
There is life after abuse.
There is hope, even when everything feels broken. There is healing, even when the scars run deep.
Recovery won’t be a straight line, and some days still hurt beyond words— but each step forward, no matter how small, is a powerful act of reclaiming your life.
You don’t have to be fully healed to be worthy. You don’t have to be “over it” to start again.
You just have to begin.
You are not alone. You are not weak. You are surviving — and one day, you will thrive. I trully believe this
