The Abuse You Never See Coming
Not all abuse leaves bruises.
Some abusers don’t scream, punch, or push.
They smile.
They charm.
They manipulate you into believing you are the problem.
And by the time you realize what’s happening, you’re already emotionally bruised, mentally shattered, and questioning your entire reality. The abuse may stay like this or it may escalate into something much worse and terrifying.
This is the world of narcissistic abuse – Where to the outside world you are living in a perfect marriage with the most amazing husband who shows everyone how supportive they are and how loving and wonderful—When in reality the mask comes off at home, where the pain is invisible, and the damage runs deep.
1. The Hidden Predator
When most people hear the word “abuse,” they picture black eyes, broken bones, or yelling matches behind closed doors.
But narcissistic abuse wears a different mask. It’s sophisticated. Subtle. Strategic.
At first, it feels like everything you’ve ever wanted.
They text constantly.
Call you “soulmate.”
Say they’ve never met anyone like you.
Within days or weeks, you’re hearing “I love you,” planning a future, and wondering if this could finally be your happy ending.
It’s intense.
It’s exhilarating.
It feels like fate.
But it’s not love.
It’s a trap.
Narcissists don’t come with warning signs although there may be red flags. They come with charm. They sweep you off your feet with intense affection, attention, and promises. They are your knight in shining armour, the love of your life, the other half of your soul. It feels like a fairy tale… until it becomes a nightmare.
This isn’t typical abuse and conflict. This is calculated control. And by the time you recognize it – IF you recognise it, you’re already tangled in a web of confusion and emotional dependency that is almost impossible or can seem impossible to escape from.
2. Narcissistic Abuse Defined
At its core, narcissistic abuse stems from someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)—or strong narcissistic traits—who uses others as tools for validation, power, and control. I had not heard of the Narcissist until i was looking to create a safety plan to leave and the moment I read about them it was like WOW -I AM NOT CRAZY -THIS IS ME- THIS IS MY LIFE.
There are two main types but you may find that some show signs of both:
- Overt narcissists – grandiose, loud, attention-seeking, and obvious in their arrogance.
- Covert narcissists – quiet, reserved, even self-pitying, but equally manipulative and dangerous.
Both use a variety of abusive tactics:
- Gaslighting: Making you doubt your memories, feelings, or sanity.
- Love Bombing: Intense affection early on to build quick attachment.
- Triangulation: Creating jealousy or rivalry by involving others.
- Silent Treatment: Withholding communication to punish and control.
- Blame-Shifting: Twisting every argument to be your fault.
Your brain gets hooked on the highs of love bombing like a drug.
When they start pulling away or turning cold, you chase that initial affection. You try harder, give more, tolerate more—just to get that “loving” version of them back.
But it was all a performance.
They conditioned you to seek validation from someone who is actively harming you. And that’s not love—it’s emotional addiction.
The result? You become emotionally dependent, constantly seeking their approval, and doubting your every move. You will find you shrink down inside yourself as if you are a former shadow of your original self and now exist as their puppet to serve them as they will it.
3. The Abuse That’s Hard to Prove
Unlike physical abuse, narcissistic abuse doesn’t leave visible scars. There are no hospital records, no screaming fights for neighbours to overhear—just a slow, steady erosion of your self-worth. In my case there was a lot of screaming but our nearest neighbor was over 1km away from the house. My family was in Scotland and Australia -I was truly isolated.
You’re isolated, but it looks like you chose it.
You’re anxious, but they claim you’re unstable.
You’re confused, but they say you’re overreacting.
And when you finally try to explain what’s happening, people often don’t believe you—because narcissists are experts at crafting a flawless public image. A lot of people who were friends of ours turned on me completely and one even went so far as to warn him that our children had gone to the police to make statements of abuse against him (as they were a prominent youth leader they got a 3 year warning letter placed in their youth organizational record after I filed an official complaint) and to keep telling the kids how amazing he was and that all the issues were because of me.
They play the victim while painting you as the villain and they are VERY VERY good at this.
4. Why It’s a Different Kind of Hell
What makes narcissistic abuse particularly devastating is the cycle:
Idealize – Devalue – Discard
- Idealize: You’re their perfect person. They praise you, mirror your dreams, and say everything you’ve ever wanted to hear.
- Devalue: Slowly, the compliments fade. Criticism creeps in. You’re too sensitive. Too dramatic. Not enough.
- Discard: They withdraw affection, ghost you, cheat, or end things without closure—then sometimes come back, only to repeat the cycle. So in my case there was never a discard – why would he leave when I was the perfect victim. I suspect he had several affairs for many years. In know he has another child about a year older than my eldest daughter. Throughout our relationship and marriage I kept getting thrush and infections and as I know I was never unfaithful I am certain this was from his wandering – of which he constantly accused me of. He worked away during the week or to visit our companies at other locations and had a house and a flat at different stages of our marriage.
This toxic loop creates a trauma bond—a deep emotional addiction to your abuser. You keep hoping for the person they were in the beginning. You blame yourself. You believe if you just try harder, it’ll go back to the “good times.” And they will show a glimmer of the good times. You may get more love and attention, things will improve for a while, you may get some gifts to show how much they love you.
But those good times were never real. They were bait. And like an eager fish I was back on the hook every time. Because for me the emotions were real. I was in love. I wanted things to work and I ‘knew’ if I just tried harder or did better or was just kept putting his needs first it would work.
5. The Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces
Escaping a narcissist is only the first step. The real battle begins after. To be honest I know I am lucky that I escaped so many women (and me) do not. I am still battling. I escaped 18 months ago. I am fighting him in Family Court, Civil Court and Criminal Court. A very good friend of mine has said a few times if I had known it was going to be this bad I don’t know if I would have had the strength to leave. Another friend of mine is 10 years into her divorce and battle for Financial Control.
You’re left with:
- CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
- Hypervigilance and anxiety
- Shattered self-worth
- Shame that you didn’t leave sooner
- And a haunting question: “Was it really that bad?”
Yes, it was. It was worse than you thought.
Healing from narcissistic abuse means:
- Learning to trust your own reality again.
- Setting boundaries and recognizing red flags.
- Practicing gray rocking (becoming emotionally unresponsive) or no contact to protect yourself.
- Rebuilding your identity from the ground up.
You don’t just recover from the narcissist.
You recover you.
I used to think that people who did not have children were lucky – but in reality those women were denied a part of their life that they cannot get back. They lost the opportunity to have children as the Narcissist took this from them too. I do have children – 4 of them.
They didn’t just lose a dad—they lost the version of love they thought they could trust.
For a child, realizing their father is a narcissist isn’t just heartbreaking. It’s identity-shattering.
Because narcissistic fathers don’t just manipulate partners—they manipulate their children too. They condition them to chase approval, suppress their feelings, and normalize toxicity… all under the guise of “love.”
The grief is profound when the illusion finally cracks.
They haven’t just lost a father figure.
They’ve lost:
- A sense of safety
- A stable mirror to reflect their worth
- The belief that love is unconditional
1. Authentic Connection
A narcissistic father doesn’t see his children as individuals. He sees them as tools—to boost his ego, punish his ex, or live out his fantasies. Real emotional connection? It’s conditional and performative.
2. Childhood Innocence
Many children of narcissists grow up too fast. They become peacekeepers, caretakers, or scapegoats. They learn to read moods like weather forecasts, tiptoeing to avoid triggering rage or withdrawal.
3. Trust in Their Own Reality
Gaslighting isn’t reserved for partners. Narcissistic fathers twist reality—denying events, rewriting history, or blaming the child for emotional reactions. This leaves them confused, self-doubting, and anxious.
4. A Stable Self-Image
When a father only values a child when they perform, obey, or flatter, the child internalizes a dangerous lesson: “I’m only lovable when I’m useful.”
The Problems They Face
1. People-Pleasing and Codependency
They’ve been trained to seek validation from someone who never gave it freely. As adults, this can lead them into toxic relationships, overgiving, and losing themselves to avoid abandonment.
2. Guilt and Loyalty Binds
Even after recognizing the narcissism, many children feel guilty for pulling away. Narcissistic parents program loyalty through fear, obligation, and shame—making it incredibly hard to set boundaries.
3. Emotional Suppression
Tears might have been met with mockery. Anger might have been punished. As a result, they struggle to express or even identify their feelings—and often apologize for having any.
4. Grieving the Parent They Never Had
There comes a moment of brutal truth: the father they wanted never existed. Grieving that fantasy is a quiet heartbreak most people don’t understand—because society says, “But he’s your dad.”
There Is Hope
Children of narcissists grow up carrying invisible wounds. But they also carry a deep emotional intelligence—born from survival.
With the right support, they can:
- Learn to set boundaries without guilt
- Reparent themselves with compassion
- Reclaim their identity, their voice, and their worth
- Break the cycle
They are not broken.
They are becoming.
And one day, with your love and support, they will build the love they never received.
As a mother to 4 of these children it is so incredibly hard. They will echo their fathers abuse towards you. You are the safe space that they can rage in – and they know exactly how to hurt you the most and as teenagers it sometimes will feel that they do this deliberatly to hurt you. They have to learn to set boundaries BUT any boundaries you try to set with consequences they will accuse you of being just like their father.
You have to learn to cope with trying to heal yourself at the same time as healing emotionally fractured children and it is HARD. I don’t have the words to explain how hard it is. How some days you will literally curl up on the floor crying for what you cost they by staying. The guilt the shame and the pain. BUT you will get through it. It may get a lot worse before it gets better. You need a support network. Therapists and friends who are there for you. One of my good friends I made on this journey- one of her kids calls me her mom’s wife. Because I am always there in her house, in her life, on phonecalls, sending memes, even door bell ding dong ditch and leaving a coffee on the doorstep for her. She has lived with a narcisist and escaped and so understands better than anyone else. Others can just sympathise and give empathy. But she has lived this – She knows the EXACT feeling and I don’t have to explain.
6. You’re Not Crazy—You Were Targeted
If you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, let this be your reminder:
You are not weak for falling for it.
You are not crazy for feeling confused.
You are not broken—you were targeted by someone who thrives on breaking others.
But here’s the truth narcissists don’t want you to know:
You can heal. You can rise. And you can live a life free of their control.
The abuse you endured was real.
The recovery is possible.
And the future? It’s yours to reclaim.
