When you have survived abuse – technology isn’t neutral and can cause reoccurring trauma long after the abuse itself has stopped.
It’s not just phones and apps and passwords—it’s the memory of being tracked. Controlled. Hacked. Watched. Silenced. It’s the anxiety that spikes when your screen lights up at midnight. It’s the sick feeling in your stomach when you realize someone might still have access to your location, your messages, your photos.
For some, tech is convenience.
For survivors like me – It can be a war zone.
When the Tools of Safety Become Tools of Control
For me, technology became tangled with trauma.
What should have been tools for connection or security—cloud backups, smart home devices—turned into weapons. Phone mirroring. GPS tracking. Message monitoring. Hidden cameras. Voice recordings.
He always knew where I was.
He always knew who I talked to.
And when I tried to confront it? I was told I was paranoid. Overreacting. Crazy.
But I wasn’t.
I was being watched and tracked and spied on. Silently. Completely. And the betrayal and memory of that runs deep.
Triggers in the Everyday
Even now, long after leaving, tech still stings.
Pop-ups that feel like ambushes. Password resets that make my heart race. The sound of a notification that sends me spiraling.
Trying to open your old email and being locked out—for the third time—because I “messed up” a security question that I never set.
And worst of all?
That little voice whispering, “You’re not good at this. You’ll mess it up again. I will destroy you”
But here’s the truth I’m learning to tell myself:
It’s not about being “bad at tech.”
It’s about recovering from being abused through it.
The Power in Learning
So I am using knowledge as my weapon to fight back.
I started reading. Googling. Watching YouTube videos. Reading Published Tech Articles. Asking for help.
- I learned how to check my phone for call forwarding codes – although I got a brand new phone with a brand new SIM and set this up myself.
- I learned how to reset my IDs
- I learned how to set up two-factor authentication.
- I learned how to block, disable, and remove access from all my online accounts.
- I learned how to change my cloud account
- I learned how to check for bluetooth and wifi transmitting cameras and trackers.
- I learned how to use smart devices and cameras for my own safety
- I learned how to use AI to help me in my journey by helping compose legal letters and emails removing the emotion and showing me things I had not even thought about that were relevant and important.
- I learned how to post blogs to share my story because if I stay silent about all that happened he wins and if I can help just one person from what I experienced and learned then maybe I can create meaning from the trauma.
- I even learned how to build a website from scratch—even if I broke it a few times along the way.
Every time I figured something out, even something small, I felt a piece of my power return.
Because I wasn’t just learning tech.
I was learning how to reclaim control.
On my terms. In my time.
Asking for Help Is Strength
There are days when I still feel overwhelmed—when I want to throw my computer out the window or cry because I can’t figure out a simple setting. When my 6 year old changed the password on his one week old tablet and after 2 days of googling and attempting factory resets and recovering it to finally realize that it was permanently locked out and may as well be used as a doorstop. I learned that he does not get the password to his device -EVER.
And on those days when I really can’t? – I ask for help.
Not because I’m weak, but because asking for help is one of the strongest things I’ve ever done.
It’s saying, “This is hard, and I’m still doing it.”
It’s saying, “I matter enough to deserve support.”
It’s taking back control by choosing when and how I receive it.
And every time I speak up—every time I say, “I don’t understand this, can you help me?”—I take the power back from the silence he tried to trap me in.
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Know It All—You Just Have to Start
If technology scares you because it reminds you of the abuse—you are not alone.
If you freeze when trying to set up an account, or panic when your phone acts strange—you are not broken.
You are responding to real trauma. And you are allowed to take your time.
But I promise you this: every single step you take to learn, protect, and rebuild is power in action.
Even the smallest win—figuring out how to clear a setting, change a password, or delete an app—is proof that you’re stronger than what tried to break you.
Even when I discover I have learned something the hard way – AGAIN – It is a win because I can learn -I have learned and I will keep on going – like the Little Engine that Could.
Keep going. One button at a time. One password at a time. One breath at a time.
You’ve got this.
