When I reported the my abusor, he was charged with sexual assault.
But that was just a single sliver of the truth. It didn’t include the years of emotional torment, verbal degradation, financial control, psychological manipulation, technological surveillance, or the coercive control that ruled my life.
And what still breaks me today is this: I didn’t know I could say more.
🗣️ Police Can’t Lead You—But You Can Still Speak
In Ontario, when you give a statement, the police are not allowed to ask leading questions. They can’t suggest or prompt what you should say.
They can only ask open-ended questions:
- “Can you tell me what happened?”
- “And then what?”
This protects the legal process—but puts the entire burden on you, the survivor, to recall and disclose everything on your own.
So if you don’t mention:
- The threats
- The financial abuse
- The control over your phone, car, or social media
- The abuse toward your children
- Not the smashing of coffee cups behind your head
- Or the threats to kill themselves if you left
It may never make it into the report. Not because it didn’t matter. Not because it wasn’t real. But because no one is allowed to help you say it or even let you know you can say it.
📁 I Did Say It. But It Was Ignored.
I told them about the hidden cameras. The hacked emails. The 129+ location pings on my phone in one day. I told them I believed my car was being tracked.
And he wasn’t charged for any of it.
Just sexual assault. As if that one charge could carry the weight of everything he did.
🤦♀️ What I Wish I Had Done Differently
- I wish I had kept the hidden cameras I found.
- I wish I had downloaded and saved the abusive texts before he wiped my phone.
- I wish I had spoken up when armed police came to the house on a previous call.
- I wish I had talked more about what he did to the kids, and asked for charges for that too.
- I wish I hadn’t been so focused on surviving the rape that I overlooked the rest.
I also wish I had known that saying what he did to them mattered just as much as what he did to me.
🤦♀️ The Support I Didn’t Know Existed
If I had known about Amelia Rising in North Bay (or its sister the Durham Rape Crisis Centre and other places like this) I could have had someone by my side—someone who could have gone with me to the police, explained the process, supported me, and made me feel less alone.
I wish I had known about other support systems like In Ontario, Family Court Support Workers are trained professionals embedded within victim services agencies across the province. They offer vital support to survivors involved in family or domestic violence court proceedings, helping you navigate the legal system while prioritizing your safety and emotional well‑being.
🛡️ What Services Do Family Court Support Workers Provide?
These worker programs are funded by the Ontario Ministry of the Attorney General and offered in every court district. They can:
- Explain the family court process and what to expect
- Assist in documenting the history of abuse for court purposes
- Offer safety planning, including how to get to and enter court safely
- Refer you to culturally relevant, community-based supports
- Escort you to court appearances when appropriate and resources permit
- Debrief with you after court appointments or meetings with duty counsel
- Help you access and navigate Legal Aid Ontario services and duty counsel
These workers are not lawyers—they don’t provide legal advice—but they serve as your navigator, advocate, and emotional support within the court environment Ontario.
Instead, I walked in broken and walked out shattered.
Some officers were kind. Some made me feel safe. Others in this process have left me crying for hours, wondering if I’d just wasted everyone’s time. I actually apologised to one female officer for wasting her time after she totally invalidated me when I was following up with police AFTER they had told me to …..
🚫 Coercive Control Is a Crime—Just Not Here
In New Brunswick, coercive control is now a crime. Federally, Bill C-332 proposes up to 10 years in prison for coercive control—but in Ontario, it still isn’t recognized as a standalone offence.
So none of the non-physical abuse was chargeable. Even though it was the very foundation of the hell I lived in.
🧠 Your Brain in Trauma Mode
Here’s something every survivor should be told:
When you report a crime like this, you are in a high-anxiety, terrified, dissociative state. You are literally in fight, flight, or freeze. And when your brain is doing that, your ability to speak logically, clearly, and completely is biologically compromised.
So if you forget something? Or don’t say it all? It’s not your fault. It’s your nervous system trying to keep you alive.
You can go back and add to your statement. You can speak up later. You can ask them to hear more.
⚖️ What I Wish I’d Known About the Legal System
Once he was charged, I assumed we were on the road to justice. But it wasn’t that simple.
Here’s how it actually works in Ontario:
- Arrest & Bail
- He can turn himself in at his convenience.
- He may be released on police conditions, bail conditions or require a surety for bail.
- First Appearance & Case Management Begins
- Crown provides initial evidence (disclosure).
- Defence lawyer may ask for more, delaying things 2–3 months every time.
- Multiple Case Management Hearings
- These are short, administrative court appearances. They can go on for months.
- Judicial Pretrial (JPT)
- A private meeting to determine if the case will go to trial.
- Trial Scheduling
- Trial date is set—often many months away due to court backlogs.
- Trial or More Delays
- The trial can be cancelled, adjourned, or postponed again. Then you go back to court just to set a new trial date.
- Subpoenas and Surprises
- Police will serve you with subpoenas for your court dates.
- If the trial date changes, you’ll receive a new subpoena—but there’s no warning.
- Police showing up unexpectedly at your door can feel like another trauma, especially if you weren’t emotionally prepared.
All that time, you’re in limbo. You may be retraumatized repeatedly.
💼 What I Wish I’d Known About Surety and Bail
When he was charged again for breaching police conditions, he was released on bail—but only with a surety.
And that’s where I made a mistake I carry to this day.
I said no to the first person he suggested—her husband. But then it became his wife.
I was pressured by this friend of his to let his wife be the surety for my abuser. And I agreed—because I was trying to maintain some sense of stability for our children. And i was told by this ‘friend’ that it would alienate my children and they would hate me for it.
But I wish I had known if this was even allowed.
I wish I had known I could have said no.
And I wish I had actually said no.
I wish i had known noone is allowed to pressure you in this way – by shaming and guiliting you into agreeing to a surety for your abusers bail.
That decision opened a new door to another level of abuse. Both husband and wife became his proxies, his enablers, his flying monkeys.
I wish I had known:
- I did not have to agree to the surety.
- If no one qualified, he might have stayed in custody.
- That it was okay to prioritize my safety over his convenience.
- That it does not matter what anyone else thinks or suggests how you should feel or act or what you should be doing.
- My gut instinct was to scream no way – It knew something and I should never have ignored it.
⚡️ The Truth About the Trial
The trial was scheduled. Then it was rescheduled. Because the defence knows how to use technicalities.
He will get to sit in the room when I am cross-examined. He gets his rights.
I get to relive my trauma.
I don’t hold high hopes. Not because I don’t believe in justice, but because I’ve seen the justice system up close.
And honestly? Even if he goes to jail, it won’t bring back what he stole. It won’t repair what he broke.
But it will say: this happened.
And that might be enough to help one more woman come forward.
🌊 I Will Say It, Even If Others Can’t
I’ve met women who were raped by their husbands and never said a word. Who endured abuse to protect their children. Who didn’t believe they were strong enough to survive the fight that would ensue if they reported it.
To them I say:
I am standing up. I am saying: this is wrong. I am telling my children: this is not love.
Because even if the system fails me, Even if justice never comes, The truth still matters.
If you are reading this and thinking, I don’t know if I can report it — Know this:
You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
You are not to blame.
And when you are ready, your voice is waiting.
