Today, I was asked to trade my son for a piece of paper.
Let me be more specific: my lawyer forwarded a message suggesting I should agree to give my ex-husband—who is currently facing criminal charges for child abuse, threats of death, and threats involving bodily harm—unrestricted access to our son every other weekend. In exchange? He would sign a consent form to allow our daughter to travel for two weeks on a humanitarian school trip to Costa Rica.
Read that again. Slowly.
One child’s legal right to protection from a charged abuser was offered up as currency for another child’s educational opportunity. Like we were negotiating over property, not human lives.
This isn’t a parenting plan. This isn’t reasonable compromise.
This is manipulation. This is coercion. And it’s everything I’ve spent years trying to escape and protect my children from.
Survivors Don’t Owe Their Abusers Access
I am a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault. I spent years under the control of a man who used power and fear as tools. Even now, after leaving, the manipulation hasn’t stopped—it’s simply changed forms.
My ex-husband may no longer be in my home, but he’s still trying to control my life through the legal system, through the children, and through threats disguised as negotiations.
What’s worse is when the very people who are supposed to protect you—the people you hire to stand in your corner—enable it.
When a Lawyer Forwards Coercion and Calls It Advice
My lawyer forwarded this “offer” like it was just another option. No warning. No concern. Just a message that effectively said, “Your daughter gets to go, if you hand your son over.”
I said no. Clearly. Unequivocally.
And what did my lawyer do? He documented that he “advised” me and that he “acknowledged” my response. That’s it.
Like a formality. Like I was being noted as “difficult” for having boundaries.
Like protecting my son was a personal opinion—not a legal and moral obligation.
But here’s what makes that even more infuriating:
Just two days earlier, I had asked this same lawyer to prepare a signed affidavit confirming the timeline of abuse I’d submitted long ago—because criminal law in Canada is changing. Coercive control is on its way to be a chargeable offense, and I have years of documented evidence. I am preparing to make a second statement to the police.
So to go from “Please help me hold my abuser accountable under new criminal law”
to “You should hand your son over to that same abuser to get a signature”
is not just a contradiction—it’s betrayal.
This Is the System Survivors Are Fighting Against
I told them clearly:
“If we do not have a signed consent to travel by the end of the day, then I want an ex parte motion prepared and submitted to court first thing tomorrow.”
That’s not a threat.
That’s not drama.
That’s a legal right and a protective act for my child.
Their response?
They asked me—again—to resend the consent form. Because their inbox was “too full” and they couldn’t find it.
So let me get this straight: I am doing the right thing. I’m following procedure. I’m trying to protect both of my children. I’m keeping records, holding abusers accountable, working within the system…
And I’m still being asked to do their job.
I’m the one chasing signatures, drafting forms, and repeating myself—while sitting in a paddock during horse therapy, surrounded by other women in healing, trying to reclaim some peace in my body. Literally doing trauma recovery while simultaneously advocating for legal protection and emailing back and forth with people who can’t even find an attachment.
And somehow, even now, I’m made to feel like the difficult one.
There Is No Compromise on This
I feel angry.
I feel frustrated.
I feel deeply let down by the people who are supposed to protect and support me.
And yes, because I’ve survived years of abuse and coercion, a small part of me still questions myself: Did I do the right thing? Am I wrong? If my daughter ends up not going will she blame me?
But the answer is: yes, I did.
Because there is no compromise when it comes to child safety.
This is not a gray area.
This is not a deal to be made.
This is a boundary, and I will not move it.
I have compromised on other things. I’ve bent and stayed quiet more times than I can count.
But this? This is the line.
There is something fundamentally broken about a system that coerces and manipulates the vulnerable people it’s supposed to protect—a system that asks mothers to choose between their children, that treats trauma as a negotiation tactic, and that shrugs off coercion as “strategy.”
“This isn’t compromise. It’s coercion—and I’m done.”
I Am Still Saying No
Time will tell what happens next. Maybe more pressure will come. Maybe I’ll be labeled uncooperative or stubborn or high-conflict.
But I will tell you this:
I am still saying no.
I will not compromise on this.
This is a dynamic I will no longer accept.
Child safety is not a bargaining chip.
I don’t care if my refusal makes people uncomfortable.
I care that my children are safe.
I care that I am modeling for them what it looks like to hold a boundary even when the world pushes back.
I may be exhausted.
But I am not broken.
I am not backing down.
This boundary stays.
UPDATE: COURTROOM DRAMA
Yesterday proved exactly why I refuse to compromise on my child’s safety — and why you must be ready to walk into court and fight for yourself when no one else will.
My lawyer didn’t file the emergency motion. My ex and his lawyer and my lawyer were not expecting me in court. But I showed up anyway — ready, informed, and unshakable.
I discovered we were already scheduled that morning for the child visitation motion my lawyer never even told me about. The other lawyer hadn’t filed his paperwork correctly so it was going to be adjourned. However, when the judge was told I was there for an emergency travel motion, he ordered both lawyers to stay so it could be sorted.
My lawyer denied that he knew anything about this. However thanks to a friend helping me I had a motion in triplicate with all the exhibits and evidence and emails and reports that were needed. So I stepped up to the lawyer’s podium myself. I laid out my case in full, answered every question, and backed up my points with exhibits I knew inside and out — all of which I’d sent to my lawyer multiple times before. Every single argument my ex tried to raise, I shut down with facts and proof. Apparently you could not see how much my legs were actually shaking!
The lawyers tried to turn the hearing into a compromise — “Let’s talk about the son’s visitation while we’re here.” But the judge stopped them cold – was the son also travelling to Costa Rica – No….. the travel was the emergency for my daughter and everything else could wait.
And then, in black and white, the judge wrote the order himself — granting judicial consent for my daughter to fly in four days’ time.
When my lawyer told the court I “refused to cooperate” on custody, I interrupted — politely but firmly — and explained that I had offered one supervised daytime visit per week, not overnight, and never at his house, given that he has eight criminal charges pending — four of them against his own children — and that we are still waiting for reports from the Office of the Children’s Lawyer, the Children’s Aid Society, and the police. Apparently this also means no as it is not easy to organize and my lawyer apologized to the judge for his client not understanding law. I said that the safety of my children is paramount.
The judge adjourned the visitation motion for five weeks, the next available court date. He would not bargain my daughter’s safety for a custody compromise.
I walked out of court feeling vindicated. Refusing to give in to coercion was the right call. Yesterday was a win — for me, and for my daughter.
Perhaps there is hope for the justice system after all.
But for the lawyers? That remains to be seen.
There is no compromise. Not now. Not ever.
