When Your Own Lawyer Becomes a Liability in the War of Divorce
Divorcing a narcissistic abuser isn’t a simple legal process.
It’s trench warfare.
It’s sabotage of your supply lines.
It’s enemy infiltration — sometimes within your own ranks.
The stakes? Your children.
The battleground? Family court.
The weapons? Evidence, motions, orders, and the ability to stay calm under relentless fire.
But what happens when your own lawyer — your supposed commander — refuses to fight?
When they fail to advance and undermine your position, handing your enemy an opening?
As Abraham Lincoln said:
“A lawyer’s time and advice are his stock in trade.”
Mine gave neither.
That’s exactly what happened to me this week.
And I didn’t just survive it.
I destroyed everyone in battle.
Even my own counsel.
The Day in Court
I walked into the courthouse with three copies of my emergency motion in hand.
I wasn’t there to negotiate.
I was there to get an order so my daughter could attend a humanitarian trip she’d been preparing for over eight months.
Before I could even fire the first shot, I was hit with friendly fire.
My lawyer had deliberately not told me that my ex had already filed a motion in court that morning and I had no idea what it was about. As there was already a motion with our divorce number I could not file so instead was taken up to the courtroom where I sat quietly and waited for the case to be called.
My lawyer refused to participate.
Claimed that i was a difficult client and was ignoring his advice and communication was poor.
I sat there and listened to his lies. I’d sent every briefing, every exhibit, every document he needed. I had asked and begged for him to file an Emergency Court order so that a judge could give consent for my daughter to fly. Her father was refusing consent but as I refused to bargain his time with my son for this piece of paper. This was a deliberate decision not to allow or fight for my daughter to be able to go overseas on her trip – AND I HAVE NO WORDS YET TO DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.
Clarence Darrow once said:
“The trouble with law is lawyers.”
Today, I understood exactly what he meant.
My lawyer was unaware I was there. And even when he knew I was, he claimed we could not deal with the travel motion as he had no information on it! Let’s be clear here when he gets back from vacation he will no longer by my lawyer.
He left me exposed.
But I wasn’t defenseless.
When he said he had no information (and was now on vacation) I stood up and said “Excuse me your honor I have all the documentation here I came to file for an emergency hearing this morning as my lawyer failed to file. The judge himself called me up to the lawyer podiums and so I was suddenly in front of everyone – including my lawyer and my ex and his lawyer and stepped into the firing line myself. And behind me sat on the benches willing positive thoughts my way was my amazing friend who had been up with me working for hours on ensuring we had every page and motion and form ready and in the correct sequence – and in triplicate.
I laid out my war chest:
Travel itineraries. Safety protocols. Arrest records. Police conditions. Threats of death and harm.
Medical clearance from her doctor.
Police reports showing charges of abuse from the father on his daughter and prior agreements showing the father had already consented to long overseas school placements before. I also had the fathers affidavit from an earlier motion stating in his own words that he had been estranged from his 16 year old daughter for over a year.
The father launched a counterattack — with lies, emotional manipulation, and irrelevant flanking maneuvers.
I cut them down, one by one.
The judge saw through every move.
By the end, the court granted my request outright.
Overruled the father and I have a court endorsed order that allows her to fly even if the father says no. And my son – The judge Stripped him of the weapon he’d been clinging to for months. The judge told both lawyers that the two motions for visitation for son and travel for our daughter are separate legal points. I felt so validated by holding my ground and refusing to trade one child safety for a piece of paper. There was no time left to discuss the motion of visitation so that got adjourned for 5 weeks.
The irony for my ex? The judge used his own motion to defeat him.
The Poem That Captures It All
Because some battles are so sharp-edged, exhausting, and absurd that only poetry can capture them, I wrote this — a real-time retelling of that day in court.
Why This Matters
The legal system isn’t a level battlefield — especially in family court for a domestic abuse victim against a narcissistic abuser.
Sometimes, the system will fail you.
Sometimes, your “team” will fail you.
As Mark Twain once said:
“It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself.”
But here’s the truth they don’t tell you: you can still win.
You can gather your evidence.
Learn your battlefield.
Take control of the fight.
You can get the orders signed.
And you can walk out, not just surviving — but victorious.
Because sometimes, the only way forward is to destroy every obstacle in your path…
Even if that obstacle is the person wearing your team’s uniform.
And as Shakespeare wrote in Henry VI:
“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
He didn’t mean it literally — but after days like this, you understand the sentiment.
Looking Forward: Finding the Right Ally
This week was a brutal reminder that not all lawyers are created equal. Some will leave you exposed on the battlefield, handing your enemy the advantage. But I refuse to let this be my ending. And lets be honest I was incredibly lucky that it turned out the way I did because that motion could have been scheduled for the day before and then I would have had to hand over visitation to my son due to my lawyers inaction and blatant failure in his duty of care.
Somewhere out there is the lawyer who will hear me — really hear me.
The one who understands that divorcing a narcissistic abuser isn’t just about documents and court dates — it’s about surviving psychological warfare.
The one who doesn’t shame their client for having bad days, who doesn’t talk down to them or dismiss their fears.
They will know there are days when words get stuck in my throat, when my PTSD locks my voice away.
And they’ll know there are other days when I can map out a full litigation strategy from start to finish, armed with evidence, timelines, and a crystal-clear plan for exactly what needs to happen.
This lawyer will be my true ally — the one who steps into the courtroom beside me and fights as fiercely for my children as I do.
The one who sees me not as “difficult,” but as a mother protecting her family at all costs.
The one who will never make me feel like I’m being retraumatized by the very person who is supposed to be helping me.
I will find them.
And when I do, I will know that I am no longer standing on the battlefield alone (although I had my friend in court with me and friends thinking of me) because they know better than anyone the battle with an abuser and the justice system.
Because the right lawyer doesn’t just fight your legal case —
they fight for you,
they fight with you,
and they never forget whose side they’re on.
