The Rhythm of Dark Mornings and Ordinary Days
I get up for work in the dark now. It has become my normal. There is something comforting about being alone in a warm, quiet house before the world stirs. The darkness and I have spent enough time together through years of insomnia that we feel like old friends. It does not scare me anymore. It settles me.
This morning the world had changed overnight. Everything outside was dusted in a blanket of snow. The first snowfall always feels a little magical. No matter how messy or unkept something looks, that first thin layer of white makes it appear clean again. Fresh. Quiet. As if the world has given itself permission to reset.
I usually get up around 4.30 a.m. and make a coffee. Sometimes it is simple with just milk. Sometimes I use my French vanilla creamer. I switched to a non dairy one because the ingredient list is short enough that I can actually read and understand it. You would never know it is not a heavy dairy creamer full of chemicals. Other mornings I make a weaker coffee and add an instant coffee with powdered mushrooms mixed in. Nothing psychedelic. Just the ones that help with focus and clarity. You only notice the difference when you stop drinking it for a few days.
In the Summer I sit outside and watch the sunrise while I drink my coffee. It is one of the quiet joys I look forward to every year. Now that the cold has moved in and the mornings stay dark, I get my sunrises on the drive to work and my sunsets on the way home. The sky still gives me something beautiful to start and end the day with. It is just a different rhythm.
So for now I sit with my coffee in the dim light. Sometimes I light a candle and read for ten minutes. Other mornings I put on a Korean or Chinese drama. Honestly, do not knock it until you have tried it. There is something freeing about letting your brain switch off before the day demands anything of you. The little kitten meow and other sound effects they use sometimes make me laugh out loud. Do the things that make you happy, even if they seem a little ridiculous to someone else.
Since the clocks went back, I often have my six year old shadow curled up beside me. He brings a book or some Lego, snuggles under a blanket on the chair, and quietly settles in. These are the moments that make the early mornings worth it.
After that, the routine kicks in. I prepare his lunch for school and mine for work. I get the dishes done, grab a quick shower, and get myself ready. I make sure he is fed, dressed, teeth brushed, hair done. There is usually enough time to move the laundry along, which is perfect because I can run it in off peak hours. Then I wake the older girls and I am out the door for 6 a.m.
The Mushroom Coffee Helpers
Lion’s Mane
Supports focus and memory. Helps with mild brain fog.
Cordyceps
May help with energy and stamina. Provides steady alertness.
Reishi
Known as a calming mushroom that supports relaxation and sleep quality.
Chaga
High in antioxidants. Traditionally linked to immune support.
Turkey Tail
Supports immune wellness and gut health.
Shiitake
Nutrient dense and known for supporting heart wellness.
A Shift in the House
There has been a change in the house recently. Starlink broke. More specifically, the power supply for the old beta unit we got in 2021 died. It took a week for support to reply through the chatbot and in the meantime I ordered a new Gen 3 system. The wait for communication was frustrating, but once they finally responded, the replacement arrived in two days. Fast shipping with slow support. A very modern contradiction.
The new unit was set up right away, but it is still not working. It has been stuck on pending activation. Today Starlink finally called me back. I have to try a factory reset tonight. If that does not work, delete the app and reinstall it. If that does not work, call again. I hope it does not come to that.
What surprised me is the difference in the house. Without reliable Wi-Fi, the kids cannot get much screen time. We live in such a rural area that cell service is unreliable and everyone has limited data. So we have been forced into low tech evenings. And honestly, it has been nice. There has been more sleep and more reading of actual books.
Reading has always been encouraged in our house. Now that my ex is gone, no one mocks us for it. There is something peaceful about everyone tucked up on the sofa with blankets and books. Even the six year old settles down for a couple of hours in the evening to read. It is a rare kind of quiet that used to feel impossible here. Now it feels normal.
I am starting to think I might enforce internet downtime even when it is fixed. Maybe shutting it off from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. becomes a house rule. Baking, reading, music. Slowing down. The sixteen year old has a record player and vinyls now. All Taylor Swift, but everyone starts somewhere. Hearing a record spinning upstairs while the rest of us read downstairs feels like the house is finally finding a calmer rhythm.
The Long Days
Mixed into all of this are some very long evenings. My youngest daughter is training with a local rep volleyball team. Two nights a week I leave for work at 6 a.m., drive eighty minutes, work until four, drive an hour to her school, feed her, then take her an hour back to practice from 7.30 to 9.30. By the time we get home it is 10.45 p.m.
These almost seventeen hour days do not leave much space for anything else. There are boyfriends, work shifts, games and swimming lessons to coordinate. Schedules collide more often than they align.
The little time I have left is focused on the last pre winter work on the farm. This weekend I need to winterise the two tractors and make sure everything is ready for the snow plow. I have almost given up on getting any renovations done until I am off for Christmas.
I know I need to move closer to the city and save myself two hours of driving every day. Or I need the eldest to get her G2 so she can drive herself and pitch in. Being a single mom to four is hard sometimes. The days stretch long and the lists never end.
At the same time, it is less than two years until I lose the first one to university. Time moves faster than I expect. So I try to make the most of what I get with them now.
Evenings on My Own Time
Tonight I worked late, banking my hours for the days when life needs flexibility. My work understands that I give everything I can and they give me the space I need in return. It feels fair. I appreciate that more than I can explain.
Now I am sitting in Tims with an Earl Grey tea. I dabbled in another poem. I got sidetracked by a few episodes of a Chinese short reel drama and practiced a bit of language. I would love to learn Mandarin or Korean because both sound so lyrical, but I am not naturally gifted with languages. I have four bilingual children, yet I barely manage passable French. Spanish comes easier, so I am back on Duolingo practicing the basics. It may not last, but I am giving it a go.
I have a few books sitting on my to be read shelf and maybe this will be the year I open them. If not, I have over a hundred English ones waiting.
There is a perfect Japanese word for this.
Tsundoku.
Buying books with all the intention in the world, stacking them hopefully, and never quite finding the time. Not out of neglect. Out of belief that quieter hours will eventually appear.
My house has the usual dishes and laundry. It also has a small tower of unread stories that I still plan on getting to someday. Maybe that is the point. It means I still believe in calm hours ahead.
After I finish my tea, I will grab my eldest from work and swing by to pick up another child from her boyfriend’s house. He was supposed to be helping her study math. There had better have been studying done. Then it is home to the younger two. Only a few weeks left until my youngest daughter turns fourteen. I do not know where the time went.
My wee guy, my shadow, will already be asleep by the time I get home. I will miss our evening reading before bed. That driving licence cannot come fast enough in some ways. One extra driver in this family would save hours each week and give me back a little space.
Another Long Day, Another Step Forward
Today is another seventeen hour day, but it is also my first paycheck in years. I am putting in the hours and the work, and I love it. The whole paycheck went to lawyers, but it is still more money than I had before. The next one will be different. The next one will go toward the house.
I am aiming to buy a stackable washer and dryer during the Black Friday sales so I can free up six feet of counter and wall space in the kitchen by moving the laundry area. I still have the electrics to finish in the new kitchen installation. I need to put the subfloor down. Once that is done, I can finally install the kitchen units. It will be tight to get it finished for Christmas, but if I can make it happen, it will feel incredible.
These new paychecks will go a long way toward making this possible. There is change happening in our house in so many ways. New things. Better things. The start of looking toward the future instead of just surviving the present.
The Weekend Ahead
Tomorrow there are kids to take to medical appointments, including a friend’s daughter who is racing to get to Ottawa before the snowstorm hits. I am the chauffeur. After that, I will have a few hours at home to finish winterising the two tractors. Then I need an oil change for the car, which is essential with the miles I put on it. Then I will collect my daughter from work and head home. She finishes at seven, so there is still time for bedtime stories with my son.
Sunday starts early with another daughter working a morning shift. Leaving at 7 a.m. on a Sunday is not fun, but it is our routine. Then I need to take another child to volleyball practice and see my lawyer. He does not work Fridays but works Sundays instead, which makes sense for families like mine with no spare hours during the week.
After that, I will pick up the various children and head home for Sunday dinner. Beef stew in the slow cooker, I think, with fresh bakery bread to mop up the plate. There are some things about winter that I love, and this is one of them.
If I can get the Starlink back up, I think it will be a movie night and Lego building with my son. Quiet time curled under a blanket on the sofa or reading together in bed. Maybe even the first fire in the living room. There is something about watching real flames curl around wood and the smell of woodsmoke in the air that makes me feel comforted and loved. Not by anyone else. Just by the moment itself.
There are so many days ahead with the potential for small pockets of love like that. The snow and cold weather come with their challenges, but there are parts of winter I would not trade for the world.
Turning the Page
And maybe, if everything lines up and the house settles for a moment, there will even be time to pick up one of those unread stories waiting for me. New worlds sitting there on the shelf, patient and full of possibility. All it takes is turning a page.
Maybe that is the real theme running through all of this. Life changes when you turn your own page too. One small choice at a time. One morning in the dark. One late night in Tims. One long drive. One winter fire. One chapter you did not get to yesterday, waiting for its moment today.
It does not have to be dramatic. It just has to be yours.
