Because staying isn’t safe — and you don’t need permission to save your own life.
Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely a one-time decision. It’s a process — often long, painful, and tangled in fear, love, shame, survival, and hope. You may still be waiting for that “right moment.” You may still be asking yourself if it’s really that bad.
But the truth is: if you’re reading this, you already know something isn’t right. And you are not alone.
🚩 Common Signs That It’s Time to Go
- You feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You monitor every word, tone, and movement to avoid setting them off.
- The abuse is escalating. It may have started as yelling or emotional control, but now includes physical violence, sexual assault, or threats.
- You’re isolated. You’ve been cut off from friends, family, or support.
- You don’t recognize yourself anymore. You feel small, silenced, anxious, depressed, or numb.
- You’re afraid of them. You flinch at their footsteps, dread their texts, or panic at their silence.
- Your children are affected. They’re scared, confused, acting out — or repeating the patterns they’ve witnessed.
- They blame you. For everything. Including their abuse. They rewrite the truth and say you deserved it.
- You dream about leaving. You imagine escape, but haven’t taken the first step yet. That voice inside you is already telling you what you need to do.
- You may suffer from depression, panic attacks, high anxiety or insomnia. These may actually be as a result of your body’s nervous system responding to the constant abuse.
🧠 The Invisible Scars: Mental Health and Abuse
You may suffer from depression, panic attacks, high anxiety, or insomnia — and you’re not alone. These are not signs of weakness. They are your nervous system’s response to constant fear, manipulation, and unpredictability.
Living with abuse creates chronic emotional stress. You’re constantly bracing for the next outburst, threat, or insult. Your mind and body stay in survival mode — and over time, this wears you down.
- Depression can stem from feeling hopeless, trapped, or like you’ve lost yourself.
- Panic attacks often occur when your brain perceives danger — even in safe environments — because it’s been trained to expect harm.
- High anxiety may follow you everywhere, especially around decision-making, speaking up, or trusting others.
- Insomnia is common when you’re afraid to sleep, reliving traumatic events, or lying awake worrying what might happen next.
These symptoms are not flaws in you — they are wounds. And like all wounds, they can begin to heal with time, support, and safety.
🪨 Why Leaving Is So Hard
It’s not weakness — it’s trauma.
On average, a woman will try to leave an abusive partner seven times before she succeeds.
Each attempt is survival. Each step back is often based in fear, safety planning, or manipulation.
Women return because:
- They’re afraid of what he’ll do if they leave.
- They don’t have the money or safe housing.
- They still love him or feel guilty.
- They fear losing their children.
- They’ve been gaslit into believing it’s their fault.
- They have no support system — or it’s been eroded.
- The abuse escalates when they leave.
Every attempt to leave is valid. You’re not starting from zero. You’re learning, preparing, growing stronger.
💔 “But He Says He Loves Me…”
Yes — many abusers say “I love you.”
They cry. They beg. They swear they’ll change.
And maybe, on some days, they do.
But love should never make you feel small, afraid, or broken.
Love doesn’t demand silence. Love doesn’t isolate. Love doesn’t rape, hit, choke, control, or destroy.
This is one of the most confusing parts of an abusive relationship: the cycle of abuse is often wrapped in moments of affection, apologies, and promises. These can feel real — and sometimes they are — but they do not erase the harm done. The person hurting you may genuinely believe they love you. But love without respect, without safety, without consent, is not love. It is control.
They may:
- Use “I love you” to make you feel guilty for wanting to leave.
- Say you’re abandoning the family if you walk away.
- Buy gifts or show affection right after causing harm.
- Cry and say they’ll change, only to return to old patterns.
This emotional manipulation is known as trauma bonding — where periods of abuse are followed by kindness, creating an addictive cycle that is hard to break. It leaves you second-guessing your reality, your worth, and whether things were really that bad.
But love should never cost your freedom, your peace, or your safety.
You deserve a love that doesn’t leave you afraid to speak, to rest, or to be yourself.
🔥 When Staying Can Cost You Everything
🔪 Domestic Homicide in Ontario and Canada
- In Ontario, about 28 people are killed each year in domestic violence homicides — and 80% of those victims are women.
- In Canada, from 2011–2021, there were 1,125 gender-related homicides of women and girls — an average of 102 per year.
- 66% of these murders were committed by current or former intimate partners.
- In 2021 alone, 72% of all murdered women in Canada were killed by a partner or family member.
Most women are killed by someone they once loved.
And many of those deaths occur after they tried to leave.
🧰 Sexual Assault Risk Within Abusive Relationships
Abuse is rarely just one kind.
In Canada:
- 12% of women report being sexually assaulted by a current or former partner — compared to 2% of men.
- 8% report coerced sexual acts where they were pressured, manipulated, or emotionally blackmailed into saying “yes.”
- Many survivors experience emotional, physical, and sexual abuse all at once — even if they don’t immediately recognize it as such.
Sexual violence may not always look like physical force. It can sound like:
“If you don’t, I’ll cheat.”
“This is how I show you I love you.”
“You’re my wife. You don’t get to say no.”
If you feel violated, pressured, or numb — that is not consent. That is abuse.
⚖️ Legal Recognition of Coercive Control in Canada
🇨🇦 Federal Changes
- Bill C-332, passed in June 2024, criminalizes coercive control as a standalone offence under the Criminal Code. It includes repeated threats, intimidation, surveillance, sexual coercion, financial control, and isolating tactics. Maximum sentence: 10 years imprisonment.
- Since 2021, the Divorce Act requires courts to consider coercive and controlling behaviours when deciding parenting arrangements and custody.
🏦 Provincial Changes
- Provinces such as Alberta, Nova Scotia, and others now include coercive control in protection-from-abuse and emergency order legislation.
- Nova Scotia’s Mass Casualty Commission urged national recognition of coercive control as a core IPV risk.
⚠️ Why It Matters
- Coercive control is one of the strongest predictors of intimate partner homicide.
- These laws validate non-physical abuse and provide stronger legal grounds for survivors to seek protection and justice.
💬 Listen to That Voice Inside You
You don’t need to prove how bad it is. You don’t need bruises. You don’t need anyone else to validate your experience before you act.
You are not crazy. You are not dramatic. You are not imagining things.
You are recognizing that your safety, your peace, and your identity matter.
You are not broken — you are being broken open to reclaim yourself.
💡 You Might Be Ready If…
- You’re hiding money or packing a “just in case” bag.
- You’ve told someone a code word.
- You’ve been journaling in secret how bad it is.
- You’re reading this page.
You are stronger than what’s trying to break you.
When you’re ready you need to create a Safety Plan.
