🌱 Healthy Relationships: What They Look Like
Green Flags to Look For (Not Red Ones to Ignore)
After surviving abuse, it’s easy to question your instincts. You may find yourself wondering: What does love look like when it’s real? How do I know what’s safe, and what’s not?
Abuse distorts your view of connection. It teaches you to see control as care, jealousy as love, and fear as normal. Healing means unlearning those lies — and rediscovering what healthy, safe, soul-nourishing relationships actually feel like.
The truth is:
Real love doesn’t hurt your spirit. Real love feels like freedom.
✅ Green Flags in a Healthy Relationship
1. You Feel Safe — Emotionally and Physically
You’re not afraid to be honest. You don’t walk on eggshells. You don’t brace for backlash when you speak your truth.
“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me.”
— Leo F. Buscaglia
2. Communication Is Open, Honest, and Kind
You talk about problems without being shut down or punished. You’re allowed to ask questions, express needs, and be heard.
“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”
— Henry Winkler
3. Boundaries Are Respected
You can say “no” without guilt. Your space, time, and emotional needs are honoured — not dismissed or pushed against.
“Respect is as important as love in a relationship. Maybe more.”
— Unknown
4. Accountability, Not Excuses
When mistakes happen, they take responsibility. They don’t blame you, gaslight, or make you question your reality.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
— Maya Angelou
5. You’re Encouraged to Grow
They support your goals, friendships, healing, and dreams. They don’t try to clip your wings — they cheer when you fly.
“In a relationship, each person should support the other; they should lift each other up.”
— Taylor Swift
6. Consistency, Not Chaos
They do what they say. Their love doesn’t disappear overnight. You don’t ride a rollercoaster of affection and withdrawal.
“Love is not about how much you say ‘I love you,’ but how much you prove it’s true.”
— Unknown
7. You Can Be Fully Yourself
You’re not performing. You’re not shrinking. You’re not playing the version of yourself that won’t get hurt. You are loved for you.
“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone — and finding that that’s okay with them.”
— Alain de Botton
8. Conflict Is Respectful, Not Abusive
Disagreements happen — but there’s no yelling, name-calling, silent treatment, or threats. Even in conflict, you are still safe.
“A great relationship is about two things: first, appreciating the similarities, and second, respecting the differences.”
— Unknown
9. Equality — Not a Power Struggle
You both have a voice. One person isn’t always in control. Decisions are shared, and so is the emotional load.
“The best relationships are the ones where you’re a team — without keeping score.”
— Unknown
10. You Feel Chosen — Not Used
You’re not a possession, a project, or a placeholder. You’re not walking on a tightrope to stay “good enough.” You are chosen, consistently, just as you are.
“The person you’re meant to be with will never make you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself to be loved.”
— Unknown
🌟 How Healthy Love Feels
- Calm, not confusing
- Grounded, not unstable
- Empowering, not controlling
- Steady, not dramatic
- Safe, not terrifying
- Kind, not cruel
- Whole, not hollow
🧠 Healing After Abuse: Relearning What Love Means
If you’ve been in a toxic or abusive relationship, these green flags might feel… foreign. Maybe even boring. That’s okay.
When you’ve been trapped in cycles of trauma and adrenaline, safety can feel dull. Peace might even trigger fear. That doesn’t mean healthy love is wrong — it means your nervous system is still healing.
Take your time – there is no rush, no deadline for healing, no punishment to do it at your own pace.
Over time, you’ll begin to understand:
Love isn’t meant to be a battlefield.
Love isn’t meant to keep you afraid.
Love isn’t supposed to cost you you.
🔄 How to Unlearn Trauma Bonds
A trauma bond is a powerful emotional tie created through repeated cycles of abuse, apology, affection, and fear. It’s why we stay. It’s why we go back. It’s why we mourn people who hurt us.
Breaking that bond is not weakness — it’s warrior work.
Here’s how you begin to unlearn it:
1. Name It for What It Is
Call it a trauma bond. Not love. Not “just a rough patch.” Not something you could’ve fixed. Name it to break the spell.
2. Go No Contact (or Low Contact with Boundaries)
If possible, cut all ties. If you share children or responsibilities, use grey rock communication: short, emotionless, factual. Do not engage emotionally.
3. Focus on Facts, Not Fantasy
Your brain will cling to the “good times.” Write down the harm they caused — and read it when the rose-coloured glasses try to slip back on.
4. Rewire What You Crave
If chaos has been your normal, peace may feel unfamiliar. Practice staying in the calm. Learn to find joy in safety, not intensity.
5. Reconnect with Yourself
Abuse disconnects you from you. Relearn your likes, needs, and boundaries. Journal. Reflect. Create. Let your own voice grow loud again.
6. Validate Your Feelings
Missing them doesn’t make you weak. Trauma bonds mimic addiction — and withdrawal hurts. Let yourself grieve without shame.
7. Build Connection, Not Isolation
Abuse feeds on secrecy and isolation. Healing thrives in community. Reach out. Share your story. Let safe people remind you of your worth.
💚 You Deserve Green Flags
Not confusion.
Not chaos.
Not love that feels like a war zone.
You deserve safety, stability, and soul-deep peace.
Healing means choosing love that doesn’t hurt.
Choosing partners who don’t need fixing.
Choosing yourself — again and again — until every part of you believes this truth:
You are worthy of a love that never makes you question your worth.
