Leaving an abusive relationship is not just a physical act—it’s a psychological and emotional journey that can feel impossible to begin. Many survivors know they “should” leave long before they feel ready. But fear, guilt, love, trauma bonds, shame, and self-doubt all play a powerful role in keeping them stuck.
This page is here to name those feelings, normalize them, and help you gently start separating your truth from their manipulation.
🌪 Why It’s So Hard to Just Walk Away
You may have asked yourself, “Why can’t I just leave?” Others may have asked it too. But abuse isn’t just physical—it’s mental, emotional, and psychological warfare. It breaks down your confidence and rewires your instincts for survival.
“It was like I was trapped in a room with no doors. I didn’t even know there was a way out.”
— Survivor of coercive control
Emotional abuse wears down your sense of identity. You stop trusting your own thoughts. You may question if the abuse is even real—or if it’s your fault.
🧨 Common Emotional Barriers to Leaving
You are not weak for struggling to leave. These internal battles are real:
- Fear of retaliation:
“If I leave, they’ll hurt me or take the kids.” - Guilt and shame:
“I made vows. I should try harder. What if I’m the problem?” - Love and hope:
“But I still love them… maybe they’ll change.” - Financial dependence:
“How will I afford to live?” - Fear of not being believed:
“Everyone thinks they’re wonderful. No one will believe me.” - Isolation:
“I have no one left.”
These fears are valid. Abusers break down your self-trust and independence because it keeps you easier to control.
🔄 Internal Dialogue That Keeps You Stuck
Abuse changes your thoughts. You might catch yourself thinking:
- “They weren’t always like this.”
- “They’re under stress—it’s not who they really are.”
- “I can’t ruin my children’s family.”
- “If I were better, they wouldn’t treat me this way.”
- “Maybe I’m the abuser.”
- “They’re sick—I can’t abandon them now.”
- “They might die… and I’ll feel responsible.”
Sometimes abusers use illness—real or exaggerated—as a chain. Whether it’s a chronic condition, mental health crisis, or sudden health scare, they might say:
- “How could you leave me when I’m not well?”
- “I won’t survive without you.”
- “I’m dying, and you’re just going to walk away?”
These are not acts of love. They are tools of control—crafted to trap you through guilt and fear.
“Every time I tried to leave, he had another health scare. I lived in fear of being the reason he might die. I didn’t realize he was slowly killing me instead.”
— Survivor of chronic manipulation
🧘♀️ Preparing Yourself Mentally to Leave
Here are steps you can take to slowly shift the balance:
1. Start Journaling — But Do It Safely
Writing things down helps rebuild your reality, track patterns of abuse, and regain self-trust.
But if your abuser violates your privacy, journaling can be dangerous.
“He read everything—my texts, my emails, my journals. My thoughts were never mine. But I found a way.”
— Survivor of psychological control
Safer options:
- Email yourself entries from a secret email created on a public or friend’s device.
- Keep a hidden notebook at a friend’s house, workplace locker, or other safe location.
- Use a private USB to store voice recordings.
- Disguise entries in cloud accounts labeled innocuously (like “grocery list”).
2. Reframe the Guilt
You are not breaking up a family—you are breaking a cycle of abuse.
“I stayed because I didn’t want to hurt the kids. I didn’t realize staying was what was actually hurting them the most.”
— Anonymous survivor
Children raised around abuse may not be physically harmed, but they carry deep emotional scars. They often:
- Struggle with anxiety, depression, or PTSD
- Struggle with forming safe, healthy relationships
- Learn to tolerate mistreatment or become abusive themselves
Boys who witness abuse are twice as likely to become abusers in adulthood.
Girls are significantly more likely to become people-pleasers, normalize toxic relationships, and end up as victims again.
(Source: UNICEF, Canadian Women’s Foundation, Journal of Family Violence)
By leaving, you give your children a new map—one that doesn’t lead back to pain.
3. Talk to One Safe Person — If You Can
Telling just one person can be powerful. A therapist, shelter worker, or even a stranger on a crisis line can help you feel seen.
But many abusers monitor everything—texts, emails, GPS, call logs.
“He checked my location constantly. I was terrified of getting caught just asking for help.”
— Survivor of tech-based control
Safer outreach options:
- Use a public phone at a library or gas station
- Set up a secret email on a public or borrowed computer
- Use coded phrases when speaking to trusted friends
- Check for crisis lines with disappearing chat features
- Memorize or hide hotline numbers and legal aid resources
You don’t have to explain everything. Just reaching out and saying “I need help” is enough.
4. Educate Yourself About Abuse
Words like coercive control, gaslighting, and trauma bonding exist because what you’re going through is real—and more common than most people realize.
“He never hit me, so I didn’t think it was abuse. But he controlled everything I did, said, and wore. I couldn’t breathe without his permission.”
— Survivor of coercive control
Types of abuse you may not recognize:
- Emotional: criticism, guilt trips, silent treatment
- Psychological: gaslighting, threats, fear-based manipulation
- Coercive control: dominating every aspect of your life—tracking you, isolating you, deciding for you
- Financial: controlling or stealing money, blocking employment
- Sexual: coercion, punishment, assault within the relationship
- Spiritual: using religion or beliefs to justify control
- Post-separation: stalking, legal harassment, using the children against you
Coercive control is the biggest red flag for future lethal violence.
That’s why in 2024, Canada criminalized coercive control federally to protect survivors earlier in the cycle.
Understanding these patterns can help you name what’s happening and reclaim your power.
5. Visualize Life After
Picture this:
A home that feels peaceful.
A space where no one criticizes the way you load the dishwasher or folds laundry.
Children who fall asleep unafraid.
And now—remember yourself before the abuse:
- Laughing with friends
- Going out without permission
- Buying yourself a book, a candle, or earrings—without guilt
- Making a decision and trusting it was yours to make
That version of you is still in there. She’s not gone. She’s waiting.
“I bought a pair of earrings last month. No one yelled. No one asked why. I just… liked them. And that was enough.”
— Survivor reclaiming her life
💬 Survivor Quote
“I thought leaving would be the hardest thing. But the truth is, the hardest part was admitting I deserved better.”
— Anonymous survivor
🔓 You Don’t Need to Be Ready—Just Willing to Try
There’s no perfect time. No moment where fear vanishes or the path becomes clear.
You don’t need to be ready.
You just need to believe that you deserve more than this.
On average, a woman will attempt to leave seven times before she succeeds.
(Source: Canadian Women’s Foundation / U.S. Department of Justice)
That doesn’t make you weak. That makes you human.
And one day—you will be free.
⚠️ Prepare for the Storm After You Leave
When abusers realize they’ve lost control—that you’re not coming back—the abuse often escalates. This is not your fault, but it is something to prepare for.
They may:
- Smear your name
- Stalk you or threaten you
- File false reports
- Use the children as weapons
- Try to emotionally destroy you piece by piece
Every tactic is designed to break you, to make you regret leaving, and to scare you into coming back.
“He didn’t want me back. He just wanted me to suffer.”
— Survivor of post-separation abuse
You can survive this.
- Document everything—texts, calls, threats.
- Tell your lawyer—especially if custody is involved.
- File a police report for harassment or threats.
- Ask about restraining orders or emergency protective orders.
- Plan for your safety. Be proactive.
You do not have to do this alone.
There is support, and you are worth protecting.
💪 Final Words: You Can Do This
You are allowed to choose peace.
You are allowed to protect your children.
You are allowed to start over.
And most of all—
You are allowed to live.
One breath.
One choice.
One day at a time.
We are here with you—every step of the way.
