💔 When Love Is Used as a Weapon

Parental alienation isn’t just a custody issue—it’s emotional abuse disguised as parenting. It happens when one parent manipulates a child into turning against the other parent, often during or after separation or divorce. The result? A child who is torn, confused, and emotionally estranged from a parent who loves them.

And it’s not always obvious.
Sometimes it sounds like “They don’t want to visit.”
Sometimes it looks like eye rolls, silences, or cold stares.
But often, it starts with influence, fear, and control.
And the parent who once was loved deeply is suddenly seen as the enemy.

🧠 What Is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation occurs when a child rejects one parent—not because of abuse or neglect, but due to consistent manipulation by the other parent. It is subtle, coercive, and deeply damaging.

Alienating behaviours can include:

Badmouthing the other parent in front of the child
Blaming them for the divorce or family problems
Encouraging the child to spy, report, or take sides
Withholding visits or sabotaging communication
Offering bribes, gifts, or privileges for rejecting the other parent
Making the child feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent

Over time, this creates an emotional wedge. The child feels torn between two worlds, and to survive emotionally, they often cling to the parent who has the most power—or the one they fear upsetting the most.

🧨 When the Safe Parent Becomes the Target

In cases of domestic violence or coercive control, it is common for children to direct their frustration and anger at the non-abusive parent.

Why?
Because you’re safe.
Because you won’t lash out or punish them.
Because they know—deep down—you will love them no matter what.

This is heartbreakingly common. Children exposed to abuse learn early not to upset the abuser. So they suppress their fear, bury their anger, and project it onto the parent they feel safest with.

It’s not a failure. It’s a sign of trust.
They’re not rejecting you—they’re trying to survive.

This can look like:

Sudden hostility or disrespect from your child
Emotional shutdowns or angry outbursts directed at you
Preference for the abusive or permissive parent
Parroting the abuser’s words or phrases
Denial of past positive memories with you

You may feel shattered—but this is trauma, not truth.

⚖️ Legal View in Ontario

Ontario courts are becoming more aware of parental alienation, especially when it violates the best interests of the child. The court may:

Appoint the Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) to investigate
Order counselling or reunification therapy
Change parenting time or decision-making authority
Restrict or supervise the alienating parent’s access
Request a court order for Records of Disclosure – Police or Children’s Aid Society (CAS)
In severe cases, transfer custody

But courts don’t just act on accusations—they want evidence. And unfortunately, abusive parents often flip the script and accuse protective parents of alienation, especially when they’re setting boundaries for safety.

Family court in Ontario is often frustratingly slow, especially for survivors of abuse or parents trying to protect their children. While the system is designed to be fair and thorough, there are many reasons why it can feel painfully delayed—and, at times, even unsafe.

Here’s an honest breakdown of why family court in Ontario is so slow:

🕰️ 1. Overloaded Court System

There are too many cases and not enough judges, courtrooms, or support staff. Ontario’s family courts are stretched beyond their capacity, especially since the pandemic created a massive backlog. Even urgent matters like custody, access, and protection orders can take weeks or months just to get a hearing date.

⚖️ 2. Multiple Court Steps

Family law isn’t one hearing and done. It usually involves:

Case conferences
Settlement conferences
Motions
Trial scheduling conferences
And finally, trial

Each step can take weeks or even months to schedule. And if one side isn’t ready? Adjournment. Delay. Repeat.

⏳ 3. Delays Requested by Lawyers

Lawyers often ask for:

More disclosure
More evidence
Time to prepare
Scheduling accommodations

And sometimes, delay is a tactic—especially if one party benefits from maintaining the status quo. In abusive cases, perpetrators may intentionally delay court to drain your finances, wear you down emotionally, or maintain control.

🔁 4. Tactics of High-Conflict or Abusive Exes

Abusers may:

Flood the court with unnecessary motions
Refuse to cooperate with disclosure
Change lawyers repeatedly
File appeals or complaints
Use court as a form of legal harassment (also called “abuse by proxy”)

Every tactic they use can push the timeline further—and the court often allows it under the banner of fairness.

🧾 5. Limited Access to Legal Aid or Representation

Many people are unrepresented due to cost, and self-representation slows the court down. Without legal advice, forms are often filed incorrectly, deadlines are missed, and procedures are misunderstood, causing even more delays.

👨‍⚖️ 6. The ‘Best Interests of the Child’ Standard Is Thorough (But Slow)

Ontario courts must follow the Children’s Law Reform Act or Divorce Act, which requires that every decision be made with the child’s best interests in mind. That means they:

Investigate thoroughly
Allow time for reports (OCL, psychological evaluations, etc.)
Weigh both parents’ input—even if one is abusive

This is meant to protect children. But in practice, it often gives abusive parents more time and influence than they should ever have had.

⛓️ 7. Lack of Trauma-Informed Practices

Family court still treats many abuse cases as “high-conflict parenting disputes”, rather than understanding the dynamics of coercive control or post-separation abuse. This outdated mindset contributes to delays while the court tries to force communication, cooperation, or shared parenting—even when it’s dangerous.

🔒 8. Court Only Moves When Forced

Unless there is a motion, an affidavit, or a court date requested, nothing happens. The court doesn’t follow up on progress or ensure that cases move forward. You or your lawyer must constantly push for the next step—or risk being forgotten in the pile.

💔 The Impact on Survivors and Children

While the court waits, survivors:

Stay stuck in limbo
Pay legal bills they can’t afford
Continue living with fear or financial abuse
Watch their children suffer under toxic parenting

And abusers?
They exploit the delay.
They thrive in the silence.
They wear you down one month at a time.

💡 So What Can You Do?

File urgent motions when safety or stability is at risk
Request case management to keep things moving
Document everything—delays, manipulations, missed timelines
Ask for the Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) if your child’s voice needs to be heard or Voice of the Child (VOC)
Push back on unnecessary delays and adjournments
Seek support from victim advocates, legal clinics, or family court support workers

🧾 Final Thought

Family court in Ontario moves slowly because it’s trying to be careful—but that care often comes at the cost of the very people it’s supposed to protect. Survivors are forced to live in limbo. Children are caught in conflict. And the system seems blind to how time can be its own form of harm.

But you can still keep going.
You can still push forward.
And with enough pressure, the system—slow as it is—can still move toward justice.

🧷 Abusers Will Use Anything to Regain Control

When you protect your child, the abuser may:

Use your requests for help with a difficult teen to claim you “can’t cope”
Submit texts from the child complaining about rules or discipline
Accuse you of emotionally harming the child by setting limits
Twist everyday parenting into “evidence” of instability

This is not parenting.
This is manipulation.
This is abuse wrapped in legal language.

But you must remember:
What matters most is not the performance in court—it’s your child’s long-term health and safety.

❤️ What Your Child Needs Most

Even if they don’t realize it yet, your child needs:

Structure, boundaries, and emotional consistency
A parent who doesn’t buy their love or weaponize guilt
A home where they are safe to be angry, confused, or hurt
A parent who shows up again and again, no matter what

They may reject you now. They may believe lies. They may pull away.

But eventually—often slowly—they begin to see:

Who loves them unconditionally
Who protects them without strings
Who listens without manipulating
Who stands firm, even in the storm

And they will remember.

🛡️ What You Can Do

1. Document Everything

Keep records of communication, missed visits, refusals, texts, and manipulative behaviour.

2. Stay Consistent

Even if you’re being pushed away, keep your door open. Be calm, present, and reliable.

3. Avoid Badmouthing

Don’t feed the narrative. Stay grounded. Let your actions speak for you.

4. Get Support

Therapy—for you and your child. A trauma-informed lawyer. A network of safe people.

5. Ask for OCL Involvement

If your child’s behaviour shifts dramatically, or they seem coached, request that the Office of the Children’s Lawyer be appointed.

💬 Remind Yourself…

You may be painted as the villain.
You may be accused of alienation when all you’re doing is protecting.
You may feel exhausted, betrayed, and defeated.

But here’s what remains true:

You are the safe parent.
You are the stable one.
You are the one who loves without conditions and parents without fear.
You are teaching your child what real love is.

Even if they don’t see it today,
they will feel it tomorrow—in how they grow, how they love, and how they come home.