The Hidden Chains of Control

I know when I first thought about abuse I used to go think of bruises and broken bones. But abuse comes in many disguises. One of the most silent and invisible forms is financial abuse—and it’s more common than many realize. And can be one of the biggest hurdles to breaking free from an abuser.

Let’s get rid of the myth -Financial abuse is not just about money. It’s about power, control, and stripping away your ability to stand on your own two feet. It often operates quietly behind the scenes of an abusive relationship, making it harder to leave, harder to rebuild, and harder to be heard. I know this first hand as my ex told me he would destroy me and he came perilously close.

What Is Financial Abuse?

When someone uses money or access to financial resources as a means to control someone – this is financial abuse. This might include not allowing you to go to work, stealing your income, or forcing you to account for every penny spent. It is not always about having a joint bank account. It is designed by limiting or eliminating your independence and trapping you as their dependent. It is manipulation and control.

Signs of Financial Abuse

You may be experiencing financial abuse if your partner:

Forbids you from working or sabotages your job or if you work for the family business they get paid but you do not so no contributions to your pension or EI either. Without proof of a salary you cannot get a loan or renew a mortgage.
Controls how all the money is spent. They can buy big purchases without consulting with you including house and car purchases.
Puts all assets in their name only—even if you contributed.
Demands you turn over your paycheck
Gives you an “allowance” and monitors every purchase
Racks up debt in your name or ruins your credit – They can even put car loans in your name and then refuse to hand the vehicle back over as technically you are married. I have experienced this and am STILL making payments on my truck which is registered in my name and the auto loan is in my name but not even the police can make him hand the vehicle over as technically we are married so half belongs to him by law. He cannot drive it but he can stop me from accessing it too.
Prevents you from accessing bank accounts – we have several businesses together and it became more and more difficult to get cooperation on the finances which as I was accountant. He even got an ex parte motion filed to remove my access from corporate bank accounts – to date there are several hundred thousand dollars unaccounted for and I am battling in civil court to get any resolution on this.
Hides financial information from you – Again I have had this happen. When he was arrested there were two years of outstanding property taxes on our family home. He sold a parcel of land in his name that he legally was not ,-supposed to for between $75,000 and $100,000 which by law he has to split the proceeds with me. However until the financial reconciliation technically he does not have to hand any over. Morally wrong but not a criminal act.
Makes you ask permission to buy necessities. I was at the point where I was not able to even buy my own clothes without asking for permission. He told me I could not because I bought inappropriate clothes. I was not allowed to buy myself new underwear – before we were together I only wore matching lingerie but now I was only allowed plain granny pants and me wanting nice things – now I had recovered from having kids and was getting my figure back was unacceptable as it quite obviously meant I was having an affair…. sigh.

Sometimes it starts small—“I’ll take care of the bills” or “You don’t need to work, I’ll provide”—but over time, these gestures of “protection” become methods of control.

Real-Life Example: When ‘Help’ Becomes Harm

Maybe your partner told you quitting your job would be better for the kids. Maybe you were told that you’re just “bad with money,” so they took over. Maybe your credit cards got maxed out under their control, and now you’re the one paying for it. All our credit cards were in joint names so as soon as he could he cut me off from them. I was left with only a business credit card in my name which he refused to make payments on and so I was left with a $11,000 that I was legally responsible for paying.

Financial abuse often hides behind the mask of love and support. It doesn’t feel abusive at first. That’s what makes it so insidious.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave

Without access to money, leaving can feel impossible. You might feel trapped—unable to afford a lawyer, a rental deposit, or even groceries. The fear of poverty or homelessness keeps many people tethered to abusive homes.

And often, abusers know this. That’s why they use money as a leash. I managed to transfer $5000 from our account to my lawyer after his arrest however he has claimed over and over that I stole this money. I had no credit cards in my name and a joint account that he had emptied all the money out of. I had no cash and all the cash that we had at the house for emergencies -$40,000 he had already removed and then denied having. All the utility bills were overdue as was the car insurance and phone bills. Technically he owes me this money back and it will come out in the financial reconcilliation in the divorce but the problem is that without money you cannot hire a lawyer, rent an apartment, make phone or car payments, pay bills, pay for groceries to feed yourself and your kids.

What You Can Do

If you suspect you’re in a financially abusive situation, here are some small but powerful steps you can take:

Document everything. Keep copies of financial statements, debts, assets, and any relevant communication. From the day you are seperated any assets and liabilities are jointly split so it is very important to have these details especially if they control access to statements and funds.
Open a private bank account. Use a trusted friend’s address if needed and start slowly setting money aside. The very first bank account I opened was an online one and as my mail was being intercepted I set up a post office box to keep every thing secure.
Settlement monies from a claim if paid into a joint account become part of the family pot – if you are getting paid something that is for a personal liability claim then it needs to be deposited into an account that is in your name only or they will be legally entitled to half of it – I was oblivious about this rule as was someone else I know and we both lost full control over these funds with our husbands taking half of everything.
Access community support. Women’s shelters and advocacy groups often provide financial planning, legal aid, and transitional housing.
Rebuild your credit. Consider secured credit cards or programs designed to help survivors recover financially. Without a credit card you are not able to buy many things online or pay for hotels etc. It is a double edged sword and I use mine strictly for a few payments that made it easier to pay for like my blink camera cloud system and children’s school online payments that have to be paid by credit card. I also set up the bank account that it pays the entire bill monthly so that I do not fall more into debt.
Know it’s not your fault. You are not to blame for the manipulation you’ve endured. Abuse thrives on secrecy and shame—speaking up is the first step toward freedom.
Speak with trusted friends and work out if you can borrow a room or sofa surf, If you can even pitch a tent in their backyard. Anything that can buy you some time if needed to save money for somewhere to rent. I know someone who spent almost a year in the basement of a friends house and I have even had some stay for a few weeks at the RV trailer at my house and have myself spent time in someone’s RV at no cost. Friends are priceless.
Save some funds for a rainy day so to speak. When getting groceries sometimes get $10 cashback and then deposit it into your new bank account. Without the receipt it is impossible for them to see the small amount and over a year then you can have $500 set aside. If is not much but it is a good place to start.

Moving From Surviving to Thriving

You deserve financial independence. You deserve to make your own choices, spend your own money, and build a future free from fear.

Financial abuse does not define your worth or your future. With support, planning, and resilience, you can rebuild. You can break the chains. You can start again.

There are certain people that can help to sort out your finances from Financial Planners at banks to BMO accountancy services. Debts can be consolidated to lessen payments. I managed to get an agreement with the business credit card and although I had to find $6500 they allowed this to pay the $11,000 debt in full. He will have to pay me this money back eventually but making this payment allowed me to keep my credit score high. I called all the companies that I owed monies to and explained the position that I was in. I paid down the hydro and made small contributions towards the property taxes and came to an agreement in paying off the phone and the car insurance. I eventually had to switch car insurance providers as the payment was coming from the joint account and got rejected one time too many. In the winter I stopped paying hydro as they can not cut you off due to weather conditions and used those monies to pay the propane delivery for heating instead. The child beneifts were paid directly to his personal account so I eventually managed to get this switched over to me and got paid the back monies owed and used these to pay off the rest of the debts. At one point I was down to the last $20 in my gas tank and no money in the bank account but I managed to get through it. The faster you seek out help the faster you will get back in control of your finances and believe me this is a HUGE weight off your mind.

Even now I am battling in civil court for monies I am due. He has started paying some child support but then stopped making any mortgage contributions. My lawyer says not to worry as it will get sorted in the Financial Reconciliation but that does not help pay bills or put groceries on the table now.

And remember you are not alone.

Recognizing Financial Abuse