You don’t have to leave today.
You don’t even have to decide.
This isn’t a call to pack your bags and vanish in the middle of the night — unless you’re already at that point. This is about making a plan, because even if you’re still in the relationship, even if you’re hoping things might change, there is power in being prepared.
I didn’t have a safety plan when I left.
He was arrested, and that was what created the space. If that hadn’t happened, I honestly don’t know how I would have done it. And the truth is, it could’ve gone very differently so I am lucky.
If something in your gut is whispering, “this isn’t safe” or “this might not get better” — listen. You don’t need to act on it today. Just plan. Quietly. Carefully. Privately.
Because sometimes planning saves your life.
đź‘ś Step One: Build a Go-Bag
Your go-bag is your “if I have to leave right now” bag. Keep it somewhere safe — a hidden place in the house, at a friend’s, in your car, or even at work if you can.
Pack:
- A copy of your ID (and your children’s)
- Health cards, birth certificates (photos if not originals)
- Copies of tax papers or income statements
- House and car keys (extras)
- Medications for you and the kids
- A prepaid credit card or cash
- A phone charger
- A change of clothes
- A written contact list — not just in your phone
- A USB with digital copies of important documents
- A small comfort item: chocolate bar, a journal, a notebook and pens.
When you’re grabbing this bag, you’ll likely be scared, overwhelmed, and unsure. Write something kind to yourself and tuck it inside. It helps more than you’d think.
đź—ť Step Two: Set a Safe Word
Choose a code word or phrase with someone you trust. Something that won’t raise suspicion if your abuser sees it — but that clearly signals “I’m in danger.”
Mine was supposed to be “Two-Pound Tiger.” I forgot it in the moment. But I remembered the nickname “Psycho Cat,” which I texted to my friend. She knew immediately. Within 20 minutes, six armed officers were at my door. Of course as many women know still we end up going back and it was several months after this until I finally broke free.
It’s not dramatic. It’s life-saving.
🧾 Step Three: Secure Important Documents
My ex took our marriage license. The birth certificates vanished. He knew what would hurt me most in the legal process.
What to do:
- Take photos or scans of all essential documents.
- Back them up on a USB, email, or secure cloud drive.
- If possible, open a bank safety deposit box and store the originals there.
- Keep passwords for government IDs and banking in a secure, non-digital location.
You will need originals for court or legal aid. Copies are totally accessible BUT money is often an issue, so don’t skip trying to secure the real thing.
🏚 Step Four: Know Where You Could Go
This was the hardest part for me.
I have four kids. The local women’s shelter had no space. I ended up briefly staying in a trailer for a few days at one point before he was arrested, and a friend had offered me a room in their basement. This isn’t glamorous — it is survival.
Write down:
- Every friend you trust (and i mean really trust)
- Local shelters (get their phone numbers now)
- Women’s crisis lines
- The nearest police station
- Local church supports, social workers, or legal aid clinics
You don’t need to use these today. Just know them. Save them. That way, if the moment comes, you’re not scrambling.
📱 Step Five: Protect Your Digital Trail
This part is vital — and dangerous to ignore.
My work computer, personal laptop and phone were compromised. My ex had access to every keystroke, every document, every message I typed. He’d installed spyware without me knowing. Even my old Instagram account gave him a backdoor into my Facebook.
What you can do:
- Use incognito mode when searching for help
- Log out of shared email and social media accounts on all devices
- Check social media account information for unknown phone numbers and email accesses
- Create a brand new email from a safe device
- Consider getting a cheap backup phone with a new number
- Assume your current phone and computer are not safe
- Don’t forget old apps or accounts — anything he’s ever had access to
Information is power. He may not need fists to control you — he may just be reading your messages. My ex had a file where he had saved the past 8 years of my text messages to him and has submitted a few of these as court exhibits. He had a new phone every year and it boggles my mind as to his level of control and paranoia to have kept all these.
⛺ Step Six: Explore Temporary Options
It’s hard, especially with kids. But in the summer, I’ve known women who camped in backyards. I’ve known others who couch-surfed, used emergency housing, or even lived in their cars for a short time.
Possible emergency stops:
- Tents in a friend’s yard (short term)
- Camping sites (Crown Land is free for several days in Canada)
- Trailers or RVs in the summer
- Church shelters or women’s centres
- Ask your local social worker about emergency housing
It may not be perfect. It won’t be forever. But one safe night can buy you the time to plan the next night or next step. The reality is there is not enough housing and even with kids you are not guaranteed to have anywhere to go. It is one thing in summer but quite another when it is -35C in Winter.
💬 Final Words: You’re Already Brave
You might not feel brave right now.
You might feel scared, uncertain, stuck, or even ashamed for needing a safety plan.
But let me tell you something clearly: you are already brave.
It’s brave to admit something’s wrong.
It’s brave to start researching.
It’s brave to plan — even secretly, quietly, in your mind.
It’s brave to read this and think maybe, just maybe, I deserve better.
Creating a safety plan is not about weakness.
It’s about taking your power back, one quiet step at a time.
Whether you’re still with him, just left, or got sucked back in — this is your space.
You’re not alone. And when the moment comes, you’ll be ready.
