🔗Why Leaving Feels Impossible — and How You Can Heal
When you’ve experienced abuse in a relationship, especially when the abuser mixes cruelty with affection, you might find yourself feeling stuck — even missing them, even after everything they did.
This is not weakness.
This is not love.
This is a trauma bond.
And yes — it can be just as addictive as heroin.
💉 Trauma Bond vs. Heroin Addiction: What They Have in Common
It may sound dramatic, but the science backs it up. Both trauma bonds and heroin addiction hijack the brain’s reward system. They both cycle between pain and pleasure. And they both trap you in patterns that are incredibly hard to break — even when you know they’re destroying you.
Let’s break it down:
1. Your Brain Is Hooked on the High
Abusive relationships are often filled with intermittent reinforcement:
- One moment, they love-bomb you.
- The next, they ignore or degrade you.
- Then they’re kind again — just long enough to keep you hoping.
This on-off cycle creates a powerful dopamine loop, the same chemical reaction involved in drug use. You begin to associate relief from pain with their affection — even though it was their cruelty that caused the pain in the first place.
“Trauma bonds form through intermittent reinforcement — the same system used in addiction and gambling.”
— Dr. Patrick Carnes
2. You Experience Withdrawal When You Try to Leave
Leaving a trauma bond can feel like going cold turkey from heroin:
- Intense anxiety
- Panic attacks
- Nausea
- Obsessive thoughts
- Cravings for the “good times”
- Sleepless nights
- Emotional overwhelm
This is withdrawal, plain and simple. Your nervous system is detoxing from the chemical rollercoaster of abuse.
3. You Build Tolerance Over Time
Just like with drug use, your system becomes numb to the pain.
You start to accept what once shocked you.
The yelling becomes routine.
The manipulation gets minimized.
You say, “It’s not that bad,” even though your soul is screaming that it is.
4. The High Is Brief — The Crash Is Long
In both trauma bonds and drug addiction:
- The “high” (the apology, the good day, the temporary affection) is short-lived.
- The damage, the pain, the aftermath — that’s what lingers.
You start chasing the high, willing to suffer more and more just to feel that one moment of connection again.
5. Shame and Secrecy Keep You Hooked
Like any addiction, trauma bonds are coated in shame:
- “Why didn’t I leave sooner?”
- “What’s wrong with me?”
- “Why do I miss someone who abused me?”
And like addiction, they thrive in secrecy:
- You hide what’s happening.
- You isolate from people who would help.
- You protect the abuser’s image, even as they destroy you.
“You shouldn’t have to heal from love. The right love heals with you.”
— Anonymous
🧠 What You’re Feeling Is Normal — And You’re Not Alone
Missing them doesn’t mean you’re meant to be with them.
Feeling broken doesn’t mean you are.
Returning (or wanting to) doesn’t make you weak — it means you’re withdrawaling from emotional and psychological manipulation.
“You are not hard to love. You were just trying to survive in a place love did not live.”
— Anonymous
🔓 How to Break the Bond (and Reclaim Your Power)
Healing from a trauma bond is not about willpower — it’s about healing your brain, your heart, and your sense of self.
Here’s how to begin:
1. Name It for What It Is
Call it a trauma bond. Not love. Not destiny. Not a mistake you made. Name it, and you begin to loosen its hold.
2. Go No Contact — or Go Grey Rock
If you can safely go no contact, do. If not (especially if children are involved), use the grey rock method: keep communication short, emotionless, and strictly factual. Do not engage.
3. Stop Chasing Closure
They won’t give you a satisfying ending. You don’t need their apology to heal. Closure isn’t something they give — it’s something you claim.
4. Reconnect With Yourself
Abuse disconnects you from your needs, your intuition, your self-worth. Start rebuilding that connection through journaling, therapy, boundaries, rest, creativity — anything that brings you back to you.
5. Rewrite the Narrative
Your brain wants to cling to the good memories. Make a list of what they did to hurt you — and read it when nostalgia tries to lie to you.
6. Build a New Support System
Addiction (and abuse) thrive in isolation. Healing thrives in community. Find people who reflect your truth — not your trauma.
💚 You Are Not Broken — You’re Breaking Free
If you’ve ever said:
- “Why do I miss them?”
- “Why can’t I just leave?”
- “Why do I feel addicted to someone who hurt me?”
Know this:
You are not crazy.
You are chemically bonded.
And you are brave enough to break free.
“You can miss something terribly and still know it was never meant for you.”
— Nikita Gill
You are not weak for staying.
You are not broken for hurting.
And you are not unlovable because someone else failed to love you right.
